fuck it.  fuck it all.  I'm sick of it.  I'm such a pain in the ass?  fine.  I'm off the grid.  I'm not going on facebook, I'm not going on twitter.  I'm not checking my emails, the battery is clean out of my phone so I can't cheat.  I'm still keeping the battery in my laptop because I need my itunes to do my stair climbing.  I'm not off the grid here b/c nobody knows about here.  so there.  other than that fuck it.  I did not deserve on little bit of that.  fuck that was empowering.  god this is terrible writing,  improper capitalization, lack of paragraphs, gratuitous use of the word fuck.  Well fuck it.  I don't care.  this whole damn thing can be one paragraph, hell I'll make it one run on sentence so fuck you that's right period key i'm not gonna hit you again  i'm sick of being ignored, oh boo fucking hoo, you've got classes, fuck you i used to work 30 hours a week and take 18 credits  and i had a 3.5 average so fuck off  shit I keep hitting the period key  i'm sick of being sad, i'm sick of being sorry, i'm now officially mad i'm also pretty pissed that i apparently wasted that money last night for part of that christmas present and that i've been wasting my time on that scarf shit I hit period again, must be in my blood  so fuck it all and in conclusion fuck you you selfish twat

Oh ninja blog; I'm so glad you're a ninja blog b/c I can just angst away in you without the world knowing I'ma paranoid load =P

Well here's the thing; I'm feeling really insecure man-wise lately.  I mean we went to Seattle and had a really awesome time despite his catching the pax pox and me getting irritated with him on the light rail.  the point is we had lottsa fun as we always do when we're together.  when I'm with him in non work situations I feel just great about everything; he doesn't give me even a seconds pause.  the problem is when we're apart, he feels so cold and distant it makes me wonder how he regards me.  I know this is the same thing I'm always harping on and I should just man up and talk to him about it but I'm in the same place I always end up with guys.

I care more about him than he does about me; at least it feels that way.  gah I can't even work out what I'm feeling right now; it feels like just the same nonsense over and over again.  I guess I really do just have to have it out with him but I'll bet I won't

Oh god what a night....

So things started out well enough; went into work during second shift's meeting and the boss on that shift said something to the effect of everyone is getting trained for CARS so I got a bit excited; opportunities for ot and such; then I got a chance to talk to mr D for a few so all was good.  then our shift started and it went downhill; no mentioned training.  It turns out apparently that although the other shifts are getting everyone trained but on our shift the boss gets to pick and choose her favorites.   then we got stats and for the second week in a row; I sucked and I'm sucking again this week....

So I broke down into hysterics on the ride home; I barely made it to the car before I started bawling my eyes out.  I just don't know what to do anymore; I don't understand how I suck so hard  my error rate seems completely dependent upon the auditors involved and apparently there is some sort of ban on letting me do anything other than fucking keying....

maybe I should back up a bit and explain the whole CARS thing in full.  the program first got mentioned about two weeks ago.  I didn't think I'd be able to apply because the boss's boss (aka queen of lies) said that they wanted people with experience in insurance of which I have none.  She then went on to say that the project would be headed up by M; one of our former sups.  Well M doesn't like me.  Hasn't from day one he always gave me this wretched attitude and has continued to play favorites even though he is a mgr.  So when mr D asked me if I was going to apply I said no; not because I didn't want to but because I knew I had not a chance in hell.  It pissed me off immensely; I hate that the world works like that that people can just dislike you and call that that; but cest la vie.  So I got a call from M the next day but it was merely a token gesture; I was half asleep when he called (a constant source of grief, I just keep thinking maybe i'd be out of data entry if I just got up when I heard bevis in the next room talking to him; life is such a cheap whore sometimes) so I didn't get up to answer.  I called him back less than two hours later when I was actually up and shock shock he never called me back.  Then that night at work they announced who got on the program.  Of course I wasn't among them b/c I didn't put in a resume since like I said I knew I didn't have a shot.  so I'm still stuck in a 3rd shift fucking wasteland in a job where I not only suck but am completely and constantly disrespected by the boss.  I know that the fault lies with me b/c I didn't put in a resume but like I said, I really failed to see the point, I really could not see a situation in which they would actually let me transfer.

I mean I get it; I suck at keying; I don't know why b/c I haven't made a single typo in this blog except a few words that I didn't know how to spell and that's obviously not the issue at work when I'm just copying something that someone else wrote.  I don't get it; whenever someone is actually watching over my shoulder I do fine sometimes even without pausing and checking.  the whole thing is maddening as it makes no sense to me whatsoever and everyone knows I hate illogical things...  so all in all I wish I could just quit but I can't; I can't even find anything else that I'm eligible for in the are unless I want to ring groceries at Aldi's or pour coffee at the whore's

So that's that.  I feel like my life is in a rut; I have a credit card bill that I've been trying to climb out from under ever since 05 but as such I just can't pay it off; I paid of my GM card either late last year or early this year so that's something to be thankful for but as far as this card goes I just can't seem to get out from under it.  I had a hefty balance on it when I moved back home which I thought I'd be able to pay off within a year.  then oerlikon decided to cut my hours so that went out the window; between my phone, my insurance and my jeep I barely had anything to scrape together to pay off said cards, so they just kept piling up until they were effectively maxed on interest alone.  So I can't go anywhere until I get that card paid off; I've been chipping away but not nearly fast enough for my liking.  It sucks because at the end of the day I have so little money that isn't already earmarked for bills; frankly I've given up caring lately and have been actually going out and such b/c well I'm sick of it all; I'm sick of never doing anything and never living life b/c I can't afford it.  Maybe after vacation I'll go back to being a little miser but for the time being my weekends are all I have to keep me sane so if I feel like running off and spending 30 bucks on a movie and dinner or draining my tank driving somewhere for a walk or something like that I'm just going to continue to go with it.

Sorry that last paragraph was kinda rambly but there is no 'you' who's reading this anyway I suppose....  So there's my financial woes.  this is the last one I swear I've also been feeling down right dumb/fat/lazy lately.  I haven't really read anything of substance, I haven't been in the mood to draw (this i know is my constant downfall; I'm never in the mood then when I start I have a hard time stopping so I should just make myself start but I won't, at least not today.... too much emotion going on) at all lately, I feel like I haven't really learned anything in a long time and this bothers me immensely.  I seem to have no 'get up and go' I mean if there's another person involved I'm a stamina machine; also if I properly motivate myself but I have a hard time actually getting up.  I've been walking around the block every day before work (exception was tuesday when I was out running errands and it was nearly dark by the time I got home) this week and I do fine except for the blisters but I actually have to force myself, I have to remind myself that i need the vit d and the exercise b/c I'm a downright fat ass.  

::sigh:: well that's my exhausting story; I'm gonna hop in the shower then go for a walk, till tomorrow

Well I didn't post yesterday, left the house hopping mad before work so I didn't think to grab the trusted lappy to take to work.  this is how the story goes

So B got into a fender bender and my dad was freaking out at him.  not for being careless, nor for being irresponsible.  No he was yelling at him b/c he took a job.  I mean B has not been employed ever before this job, and it took him years literally to find it.  and my dad starting harping on him in the vein of "why the fuck didn't you find a job with vesid like I said you should?"  hmm, lemme think maybe because he was on vesid's wait list for a damn year; they hadn't done anything for him, so he went out on his own and found a job

I swear that man (the afore mentioned parental unit) is becoming more and more unhinged each year; it's only a matter of time before he suffers a massive stroke.  He's such a bully towards B and E; it's ridiculous...

grrr but good news, mr. D is taking me to the Ren fest this weekend, so psyched!!!! ok, going to go now, I"m lacing my shoes in an unconventional fashion and i'm determined to make it work

ok, well I knew it would happen but I woke up feeling in rather a panicky spirit; this is the first day of the separate shifts; and it just dawned on me when i woke up that I won't see him more than 'in passing' for seven days; a guy can forget a lot in seven days....

gaaahh, I just want to strike myself and tell me to shut up; there's no reason to suspect him of being unfaithful, he doesn't deserve this.  He's been nothing but sweet to me and i adore him for it.  so why the friggin angst?  I really wish I knew what was going on in my own skull...

ok, back with coffee; so all in all I'm feeling down again.  I'm pretty sure I'm diagnosable as a depressed individual.  I really hate being like this; why am I so afraid, I mean worst comes to worst; I've survived on my own for most of my life anyway... why do I always get this way with men?

a thought occurred to me yesterday/this morning/whatevs; maybe I do really love him, I mean it's not exactly a healthy expression of love to be constantly worried that someone will leave you but maybe that's exactly whats wrong.  I know that I need him and I'm scared I need him more than he needs me; I don't want to be alone having had him.  I'd like to think that's the case, I mean we've been together for more than 6 months, It's not unreasonable to be thinking maybe I'm in love... ::sigh:: I think I'm done for now, gonna d/l some iron chef, build some sim houses then shower maybe sneak in a walk before work

Well I've decided the only way I'm going to get over shit is by getting it off my chest so I'm finally going to start using this puppy on a regular basis

I'd like to start by once again stating how ever so glad I am that on one reads this thing.  It sounds like I'm so psychotic high school girl obsessed with her bf; not like someone my age.  it's not like I normally constantly think about him and worry but as I explained last time I have a neurotic streak a mile wide and well I worry; and that worry becomes a consuming worry.  I have to get it off my chest or I go mad and end up spluttering teary stupid questions like "I don't make you happy do I ?"  I was even tempted to today b/c he made a passing reference to random women hitting on him.  luckily I was able to control myself and simply warned him away from valley girls and badge bunnies...

but I digress so I saw him today, he had to buy some clothes for work so I went with him; he bought a burger sub for us to split b/c weggys makes some awesome subs then we watched catch it keep it and titan ae... well partially watched titan ae.  After that I just kinda hung out for a few hours even thought he started sleeping b/c I just didn't want to leave when I did I felt like I wanted to cry.  I just couldn't shake this 'last time I'll see him' feeling; I felt so damn pathetic.  I didn't end up crying (of which I'm immensely proud) and I'm actually feeling a little good about all this right now; I don't know why that is but hey' I'll run with it.

perhaps I'm feeling more on the honkey dorie side because I've been sort of working on a plan to tackle a few other issues I have.  basically it's a nutritional one; I've been feeling and eating like crap lately and I've packed on a significant number of pounds in the last month I'm sure but I've finally decided how I'm going to tackle this.  Firstly since I'm not working with Mr. D anymore I'm going to go back to my old routine of walking laps around the building on breaks and such (one of the pluses of this situation that I spoke of last journal).  I'm determined to feel at least slightly less chubby before we go to PAX; I figure it can't be that hard to feel at least on par with 50 percent of the women at a video gaming convention so I feel like this is reachable.  I really don't care about what I weigh; I as a force of habit never weigh myself b/c I always weigh at least 10 lbs more than I expected and it depresses me.  So I don't care about weight, I care about feeling like i'm not revolting, maybe even in the proper times and places feeling a bit on the sexy side.  so that's that; I'm gonna play some sims in an attempt to keep myself up for a bit then I'm going to slllllllllllllleeeeeeeeeeeeeeppppppppp b/c I couldn't last night

ok, back, brownies in the oven.  Before i made them I read my horridly emotastic blog I posted a few weeks back; I was quite literally on the verge of tears whilst writing it and I just needed to vent; constant physical pain and 3 long weeks of bad/prophetic feeling dreams left me feeling quite weary; eventually later that night I talked to the wonderful mr. d about it and he reassured me that I don't make him misserable and he does enjoy my company, he doesn't find me boring except at work. 

So in all honesty I guess it's really good for us that I wasn't persued for the CARS program; I mean it's bad for me because my job is mind nummingly dull and I get super angry in a jealous way everytime I think of the people that are on it and of the sweet hours they get and such but after all what is life but a series of trials after all?  so yeah, he's leaving our shift to work on second shift.  I suppose I should be happy b/c some, maybe even most of the people who are going are people that I particularly dislike (exluding mr d that is a and r aren't bad either, even if they are douches they are douches that I like so there...) so some peace of mind might be nice; sure I'll dislike the newbs but that's b/c they're newbs and I always find superficial reasons to dislike them.  and not seeing e/o every day will be a nice stress test on the relationship so all in all I should be happy about this, and I truly am happy for him, he'll like the hours he's working better and he'll be working with his friends (except davey, I get to keep him and thank the lord my rates could'nt survive without him) and I'm reasonably sure he does not find any of his new co-workers sexually appealing.

but i'm still all nervey and twitchy; why?  Because 'out of sight, out of mind' has never applied to one person better than it applies to me.  I mean I barely ever even see my best friend any more b/c she never writes back to my emails and such, I never get responses from other people; I make plans and no one shows up.  So this is what I'm afraid of; once he's on a system of only seeing me once a week (and I intend to fight for this b/c I'll go mad if I don't get at least that little bit of face time) that he'll start to realize all the things I'm always faulting myself for.  I"m overweight, I'm homely, I'm in debt up to my ears and completely dependent upon my parental unit's good graces for the shelter over my head as I couldn't aford rent if I tried; that I have no direction in my life, I have goals I want to attain so bad it hurts but no means to attain them, that i'm growing increasingly convinced that I'm quite lame in the sack.  yada yada, sorry to make a short point long

I should have faith in him, I"m mad at myself for not believing in him, the guys that I dated before him were ill bred wretches, I mean if you even just look at the situation geographically Mr. D is from a much nicer area, a lot less ghetto, less ghetto people.  and he has earned my trust; I've gone all dramatic on him in the past over work and he did exactly what I needed him to do; he didn't say something stupid like mr J, he didn't roll his eyes like mr M, he just put his hand over mine and gave it a squeeze; it was absolutely perfect.  sure I leaked a few of the tears that I was holding back but i'd say thats more of a good thing than a bad one...

so yeah, I feel better now, I'll feel terrible if he doesn't call tomorrow but I have no choice, I have to have faith that he will in fact call.  I trust him I really do...

you know I'm so glad I have this thing b/c it's so nice to be able to vent to something somewhere that will never ever be discovered.

does that make sense?  It doesn't matter I'm never ever going to tell anyone about this journal so I can write whatever I want and it'll never get traced back to me; ka-chow.

So I hate the cars program.  there I said it; I hate that mr d's going to be working on another shift; I feel so insecure relating to him lately that I can't even logically think about it; I get all panicky and tight chested.  the worst part is he's never done a single thing to realistically make me feel insecure; I have dreams where he's loosing interest and just wake up with this crushingly agonizing 'oh god what if it's true'  feeling and I just want to cry.  I'm not going to claim I 'love' him b/c I don't know what love feels like; I've never been but I don't think it's supposed to feel like that.  I think that feeling is complete and utter social neurosis.

gah, my thoughts are getting garbled, i'm going to go make the promised brownies for mr. d and finish this later when i'm capable of being sane...

The random thoughts cycling through my head

are dreams prophetic?  do they tell us what we should be doing.  I hope not...

I'm so fucking depressed I just want to cry.  the last three nights I dreamed of him leaving me; I've always known he was better off without me but still...

Do I love him?  I don't feel like I do but I can't bring myself to break it off for his own good.  Does that mean I love him or does that just mean that I'm fucking pathetic.  I'm so fucking pathetic....

Why does this whole fucking house reek of piss?  it's disgusting.

I hate my body.  I hate being fat; I hate that I can't loose weight.  If I diet i get lethargic and cant work out.  If i work out I end up with a thousand different pains in a thousand different parts of my body so I can't do that for more than a day or two

seriously; this house reeks; I want to throw up....

I miss happy

I feel like God hates me and I don't understand why

I hate my job

I hate money

I hate this house

I want my own life

Well I feel like i haven't written out any frustration lately so here goes.

I hate being poor; moreover I hate that my dad is poor; with me I can live with it but I just feel this constant guilt trip when I think about how flat broke he is.  like it isn't bad enough that I don't have enough to pay my bills but the fact that the sibs are jobless and he is always behind on his bills is a constant wellspring of guilt.  I dunno; complaining about it won't help I'm sure but I just can't think of anything else to do.... it's frustrating so I'm going to stop now....

On the plus side Mr. D is well and good; I was forced to admit to someone that we're 'dating' a few days back which frankly scares me.  I guess I just don't like giving him a title.  I've got it way too good and I'm scared that as soon as I start thinking of him as my b-word that I'm going to loose all that awesomeness; he's really the one good thing I've got going at the moment...

Work sucks; don't get me started

Summer is here which is kind of cool; I'm more of an autumn girl myself but I like that I can go hiking and such and actually get to see the sun for more than an hour a day

I saw a news story in the Sunday paper about a rash of domestic murders and was startled to realize that I know someone involved in the first case they were talking about.  She wasn't the victim or anything; her brother was involved in the case and last I heard she was looking at 10 years...

Well that's it for now I guess; I'm bummed that Allie didn't call; I wanted some coffee damnit... oh well off to weggys with me I guess... toodles

So I've narrowed down one of my many many many issues.  I have an intense fear of intimacy.  All the people that I develop close relationships somehow end up leaving me.  My mom's gone, Nonni's gone, I rarely see my best friend anymore, all my past lovers no longer speak to me, I tend to lose closeness with my friends rather easily.  This has been going on for many a year and now I find myself afraid of warm fuzzy feelings.  

I suppose I've gotten a bit better of late, I've actually been trying to work those feelings out but it leaves me scared.  Just before I started typing this I was downstairs working on laundry and torchwood, lying on the sofa.  the last time I was there I was with someone that I can see myself becoming attached to; but instead of thinking about that fondly I just started feeling sort of sad, lonely and colder than usual.  It's like I'm preparing myself for the break down before it ever began.  Which makes me think that maybe I was right in swearing off manhandling.  But that can't be right either, a person can't live like I was.  I never went out, I rarely ever even made physical contact with other people unless it was an accident...  And when I'm with this other person I feel at peace, I don't feel neurotic or scared, I'm just at ease, so it's not like I don't want to be hanging out with him.  

Yet still I feel the fear when I get to thinking about it.  I mean; what this time is just like the others, what if I start to get seriously attached and he starts to pull away; I"m afraid of that happening, I'm afraid of letting myself become attached to him.  Part of me just wants to go back to the way things were, but it's such an abhorent way to live.  

So now I'm just sad, sad from too much thinking.  I wish that just once I would get a clear signal about what to do.  I feel so totally lost all the time, I don't know what the devil to do about work, I don't know what the devil to do about school, I don't know what the devil to do with mr. D.  I don't have anyone to give me really sound advice I just have these gut instincts that usually turn out to be for the worst anyway, so I can't trust them either.....

Sorry getting a bit ahead of myself.  Ok, Issue the first, Work.  For some reason my performance still sucks.  I've been trying so hard for so long to pull myself out of the slump, I'll think I'm doing great then I turn around and get these massive error percentages; I just don't get it anymore.  I've made almost no typos this entire time and I'm typing way faster than I do at work, so how come at work I'm always wrong?  I just don't understand it.  I'm scared to death of loosing my job because there is nothing around here, I checked monster earlier and go 95 jobs at entry level.  95.  and at least a thrid of them were medical jobs which I"m no where near qualified for.  So bugger me if I know what to do about that.  I"m just hoping that something happens, something clicks and I figure out what the devil the problem is because I just can't be jobless, I can't....

Then there's school.  I've been wanting to go back ever since I graduated but life and finances always seem to intervene.  In all honesty I don't think I'll ever be able to go back and that the thought that hurts most of all.  I can live without friends, I can live without love, because I've always had that dream.  Settling in on the reality that my life as I know it truly is my life is the worst feeling ever.  It almost makes me want to wretch.  Almost.  I'm made of slightly stronger stuff than that you see...

Friends, well fuck them for now, I have bigger fish to fry.  I just wish anyone considered me worth a damn.  I know I have emotional baggage and I'm usually broke so I can't go out but I guess I just thought maybe my company was worth it.  I guess I was wrong....

And I think I've blogged enough about my love life for now... too tired to think about it... and slighly concerned that my foot is still bleeding from the glass I stepped on....

Grrr, still so very confusled...  So I hung out with the illusive Mr. D on Saturday; I had been thinking about the whole issue I had ever since my last post and I reached a sort of conclusion.  I do feel something for him.  I'm not quite sure what it is exactly; but I've always been sort of drawn to him even though we scarcely spoke for the first like year.5 of our aquaintance.  I don't know exactly what it is that I feel so I forced myself to chomp down on the proverbial bullet and flirt my little buns off on Sat.

So he came over and I did; and I got some results.  Not exactly what I was hoping for; frankly I was hoping for a nice long snogging since it's been ever so long since I've gotten even a kiss let alone a nice snog; I might have even let him get away with some gropping hahahah TMI I know.  But I digress, after several hours I finally got some snuggling; yay!  I have to say I didn't realize how much I missed that sort of physical contact with another person.  I've been gone for so long I forgot how good it feels to just be held and to hold someone back; I sort of didn't want it to end but alas it was 7 in the AM by the time he left.  So I went to bed feeling like I should feel guilty but not really feeling it.  So that's where it was on Sunday morning, I figured I had a pretty good shot at a snog the next time we hung out....

Well we just did and no we didn't.  Didn't even get any cuddling this time.  Now the more vain part of me; the part that really really wants to get some form or another or love again at some point in my life wants to chalk this up to the fact that he's painfully shy, even more so than me but part of me is scared that it's all happening again.  I really hope it's not; I hope I'm not going to end up a wreck again but I guess I should brace for impact none the less....

I just don't know what to do with myself anymore.  I swore off manhandling long ago yet I've had several slip ups since then.  I had a thing for a guy or two, fell for a total loser... don't ask me what I was thinking there; then I had a guy fall for me.  Don't get me wrong he's a really sweet guy and I suppose my aunt maybe had a point in begging me to give him another chance but I'm very... I suppose picky would be the word.  I know what works for me and what doesn't and while Mr. M and I were really good as friends I just couldn't see us as lovers.  I think a small vain part of me sort of liked being admired by him; any attention is nice, does a girls ego some good, but after a while I started to feel like a tease so I forced myself to distance myself from him.  That was roughly the beginning of the year last year when I had several other things pissing me off so shoving a good friend off was a really hard thing for me to do but I think it was better for him in the end so I suppose I don't mind. 

After that I fell for another idiot whom I though I was good friends with but he turned out to be, well an idiot.  I haven't spoken to him since the day he spat gum at me.  That's right a twenty something spat gum at me; gotta love mature adults right....  Well that was about the middle of the year last year; I dragged the rest of the year out being a miserable anti-social asshole at work.  I'm sure my relationship with several people is beyond repair; I know I was being anti-social for their own good, who wants to spend their lunch talking to a miserable grump right?  But I digress... I find myself in another slip up situation.  

We'll call this young fella Mr. D.  And I do mean young fella.  Younger than me by 5 years.  I mean if I were like 30 or so a 5 year gap wouldn't be so bad but being that I'm not quite there yet so this is problem number one with Mr. D.  Secondly, Mr. D is a coworker.  I'm not a big fan of dating coworkers.  Not that I haven't done this in the past but this is a twidge different, we're in the same department and of course being the neurotic freak I am I'm paranoid that if I go that route with him he'll get sick of me after a few weeks and I'll end up a weepy mess again.  So this is point two.  And thirdly, I just found this out recently, from his own mouth; he represents one of the deadly combos.  I've always said anyone who can be linked to you by any combination of the words 'friend' 'sibling' and 'ex' should be avoided at all costs.  For example, you should not snog your sister's friend.   Nor should you get horizontal with your best friends ex.  It's just bad times to be had by all.  Well much to my shock he used to date another coworker; it's sort of a funny story Brian and I were obsessed with hooking the two of them up and it seemed to not be working out so we were muchly disappointed.  But I digress.  Point three against him...

Ok so 3 hits against him should mean no problem, right?  Well that's the thing.  When he first asked me on a date I was immensely shocked.  I didn't see it coming at all; I didn't say no, I just sort of warned him against it but I think he took that as a no b/c he has not brought it up since then.  And this alleged date was supposed to be a sort of payment for something he gave me (yay prostitution!) so I'm not really sure where that stands.  Ever since then I've been filled with this sort of sense of regret.  Like I should've just smiled and said alright.  Stupid me, right?  I'm falling for this guy.... Will I never learn!?!?!?!?!?!?!?  It's madness, what'm I supposed to do with myself, honestly.  I can't be trusted around men.  

We've been hanging out a awful lot this year (seriously, there have been 2 weekends so far during which we have not hung out in some capacity, sometimes just sitting around and talking until 7 am....) so I guess time will tell but right now I'm torn.  I feel like i should be pushing him away but at the same time I want to pull him close.  I know the want urge is the selfish one and I should ignore it but it's hard to deny yourself some times.  

As a further complication I kind of feel like he's partially responsible for pulling me out of my depressive spike of last year.  I made a sort of new years resolution to be less crochity and bitchy and anti-social this year; but I dunno if I'd be keeping it up if he didn't start sitting next to me and talking to me every day.  I'm kind of chuckling right now because reading this makes it sound like Mr. D is the greatest guy in the universe and I'm an idiot for even talking about this, I've got an IM with him open right now; maybe I should just ask him whatever happened to his date offer, right?  hahaha yeah, I'm thinking I'll just put that in the back up folder for now;  Well just have to see how it unfolds

Well even though I doubt anyone is going to read this I'm going to give you a brief introduction to/explanation of the entity known as Sapphira

Frankly I'm going to reveal very little about myself here.  I'm a girl, I live in New York state and I'm a total geek.  My purpose for this journal is simple; it's a place to write things I want no one else to read; hence the secrecy.  So you can ask but as they say a lady never tells

I've tried my hand at writing several times over the years and I haven't finished a single story yet, I get too sick of re-reading/re-writing/editing my God awful writing.  So maybe if I post it here I'll have to finish, unlikely however, beside the point

Oh yes, one more thing.  I've spent the last 2 years on an upswing.  Now all of a sudden this year things have been crashing down to their former levels of blech.  So I appologize for my occasional whining in advance.

Some stuff about me that I will reveal
-My life has been stuck in a rut for years
-I love to read
-I love video games
-I'd give almost anything to be out of debt
-I want to go back to school more than anything
-I think Dr. Who is brilliant
-Sometimes I wish I had it in me to just be a total dick to people who deserve it
-I tend to spoil people
-My hobby is having hobbies.
-I'm a sucker for chocolate cherries, cheesecake and pretty men

Well that's all I have for now, Happy Holidays in advance to everyone

Lotsa love

Sapphira